I have always been the resilient type. Pushing through pain, obstacles, and defeat…..only to emerge humbled, aware, and even more tenacious than before. I was the one that was always positive and smiling every day – because life was spectacular and I wanted to drink life up.
After all, my parents always told me I could do anything I set my mind to. My mother taught me to love myself for me, and my father taught me to never give up on my dreams and to stand by my convictions. Papa would often say “you have balls of brass and courage up the ass” – he never was one to mince words.
Both my parents together showed me what love was and also what it was not. They showed me how to survive in this world…to be my own person, where I didn’t need to depend on anyone to take care of me, if that was the life I chose.
I was raised to be independent, think for myself, think outside the box, challenge conventionality in all its forms and if it didn’t make sense to me to think and figure it out, while being goal oriented. Being devoted and loyal to family and helping others came naturally to me, and really…. why wouldn’t it?
Our home was never empty during the holidays. We always had strangers in our home for Thanksgiving or Christmas – “do unto others as you would have done unto you” and ” you reap what you sow” were commonplace in our family conversations. My parents showed me how to be brave, resilient, and appreciate learning.
My life has not been smooth sailing by any means. I don’t at all want to give that impression. We have had more than our fair share of life’s storms, hurricanes, and immense devastation – that is for sure!
I grew up with a father who served our Country in the Vietnam War and came home honorably discharged. However, he came home with PTSD, a host of health issues, an often had difficulty holding a civilian job. He was a deeply spiritual man and always chasing a dream. I know, in part, from that experience, all about being a Caregiver from a younger age than I should have known. My mom, the hardest working and most selfless woman I have ever known, always bore her role with love, grace, and dignity as well. Papa died in 2005 from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Diagnosed finally as having a 100% service-connected disability posthumously (AFTER death). A tragic loss…however, that is a whole other Blog *smiles*. My mom grew up as a “Navy brat”, so the military ran deep in our family. Pushing forward and not giving up was ingrained in us kids.
In my life, nothing has ever come easy without real effort and work. This is not a complaint at all, just a strong work ethic I was raised with, and admired about my parents. Their passion and zest for life fueled me to reach higher, deeper, and wider.
Nothing slowed me down for very long when there was something I wanted to accomplish, learn or read. I was always reading, especially medical journals, books, magazines. Spiritual and religious books. From “Curious George” to “Dear and Glorious Physician”; from the “Reader’s Digest” to the “New England Journal of Medicine”; My parents encouraged and taught us that books were “our friends”. This is all pertinent to this blog…..and soon you will understand why I say all of this.
I grew up feeling smart, confident, sure of my future, with a great love for all forms of Medicine. I had been in the medical field for nearly 14 years. I also had work experience in everything from Retail to Social Work, instructing EMS classes for First Responder’s and Emergency Medical Technicians, teaching Basic Life Support, and then later, Advance Life Support. I even ran my own Training Agency with amazing Instructors who worked with me.
Eventually, I would marry the most amazing man and have an unconventional life that was much different from what I imagined as a little girl. However, it was better than I imagined in so many ways. We have 6 children and every one of them was amazing in their own way. Life as I knew it involved working 40-62 hours a week. We balanced 2 special needs kids, and a we both had a host of other responsibilities as a couple, and me as a wife and mother. Life was exhausting, yet joyous and fulfilling – and not something I wasn’t used to….even back as a single woman.
That is…………until January 4, 2014. When my whole entire world, and sense of self, as I knew it……well, let’s just say…NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened that day. The police report says a head on collision. I, however, as hard and as diligently as I have tried……remember NOTHING!
That day would not only change my life, but that of my marriage, myself as a mother, and our entire family dynamics. It would change my way of thinking, my way of communicating, my emotions, my taste, my libido, my sleep habits, and alter every facet of my life from the smallest details to the larger unforseen things which keep lapping at our heels, like the tide coming in…..day after day, after da. It would change the way that I even looked at the world.
I looked in the mirror one day and wondered who it was I was looking at….like realllllly looking at myself. This woman I looked at with all her facial features though looked familiar, wasn’t the Caren I knew before the wreck.
Go to About Me After The Wreck
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