This year brought three reconstructive surgeries and countless hours of rehabilitation. I was still unable to manage my own personal care or bathing, which was maddening and deeply frustrating. The emotional toll was overwhelming at times, with feelings so complex and intense that they were difficult to put into words.

One milestone, though painfully slow and grueling, was learning to dress myself again. Regaining independence in even the smallest tasks has meant everything to me, so I kept pushing myself over and over. By the fall and winter, I even began driving short distances again. But I refused to drive in snowy or icy conditions. The fear was too much, the risk felt too high, and in reality, I wasn’t fully ready, as I continued to find out the hard way.

Driving suddenly in my life came with its own set of struggles. I would often get lost, even on familiar routes close to home. I was grateful for GPS when I remembered to keep my phone charged, but there were times when I had to call someone (often my husband) and ask for directions to get home. Those moments were humiliating and made me feel helpless, but I kept trying. My memory felt unreliable, and some days I wished I could climb into a time machine and go back to the day before the wreck, to stop it all from happening.

Still, I remind myself: baby steps. That’s all I can do, one day at a time.

I continued with rehab, pool therapy, and other treatments, but I still felt as though I was living in someone else’s body. Counseling has helped, but the pain and anger remain a part of every moment. I was neglected medically by some providers through delayed treatments and diagnoses, and that damage cannot be undone. The hardest part is carrying the conflict of being grateful for life, movement, breathing, and survival, while at the same time feeling resentment, grief, anger, and rage. That conflict is present in every moment, and I do my best to keep a positive mindset as I move forward. I try to stay focused on the godsend I have experienced with talented and caring providers and what those experiences can mean for my future.

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