I spent the whole week anticipating when January 4, 2018 would arrive.

I was awake past midnight drinking in the fact it was finally here. I eventually went to bed confident I would wake up again in a few hours. I did wonder if I would feel differently.

It has been 4 years since the wreck happened as of Thursday January 4th, 2018. It has been hard to separate my life from that one catastrophic event and the events that took place around that time. It’s like my body’s cells hold the memories my mind cannot seem to bring to fruition in their entirety….even now.

All day my body ached, spasmed, and refused to cooperate with me. All day, with each deep breath and slow measured movement I was reminded that even though it was four years ago and a different time entirely – the pain goes on.

All day with each deep breath I was grateful. To be able just to breathe and be aware of what was around me seems like such a precious gift. To be able to hear the kids waking me up and to hug them and touch their beautiful faces was such a simple pleasure I lost for a while back then. To walk (albeit slow, painfully, and guarded) around and touch a door, a counter, the wall, a picture, and descend the 13 stairs that always feel like an accomplishment to tackle…going up or down – was a gift I remain grateful for still.

I have a life. No, it’s not my old life. It’s not a life without daily physical pain. It’s not a life without struggles on many unseen levels. Hell, it’s not even the life I wanted, dreamed of, or imagined for myself at this age. It is starkly different. However, it is still valuable. In many ways, even with all the seeming uncertainty my life still matters and I love my life even more.

The value of having love from a person who truly believes you and believes IN YOU cannot be overstated. That love pulled me through dark pain, dark thoughts, and from the other side where HOPE dies, Faith falters, and the darkness of depression laps up the drips of ongoing pain and overwhelming fatigue. Love, patience, acceptance, tolerance, validation, and empathy. I am blessed with these every day from my husband, my mom, my kids, my brother, and most of my providers.

I am stuck. Stuck between true determination, progress, and fortitude and a stagnant knowing acceptance of this pain going on for eternity. Stuck from moving forward as each step forward drags me backwards towards the abyss a little more each time. Stuck being a hypocrite of sorts because I work to find value in the pain and limitations of these disabilities. Even though I find myself begging for relief from my Creator as some days it is too much to bear. Stuck with wanting to work and bring awareness to Polytrauma and Traumatic Brain Injury ….all while having the consistent lack of cooperation from my body, mind, and utter lack of motivation.

I feel relieved for meeting people, groups, and providers who truly value life as I now know it and help me stay on track.

I feel like I should be saying something wise, positive, and upifting today to all of you reading this. Yet I have nothing else but that which I already continue to give. My transparent self.

So much swimming in my head today. So much healing validation. So much continued angst and so much continued life force to pay forward.

Let us remember the 4th Anniversary of my survival, my youngest son’s survival (and that of Greta the other driver). Let us remember that this was the day Caren died four years ago and was brought back; to show that HOPE lives and all things are possible as long as we dont get tunnel vision. With a little Faith and a whole lot of self-determination I embrace the desire to SURVIVE!!!

To all you other warriors out there standing up to your own dark sides and embracing the changes that continue to engulf you…or to those who are helping them face their daily battles….thank you. May you know peace, may you know relief, may my strength be the light saber that helps you find your own independent path as well.

At the end of the day, do your best. Make every effort count and never ever give up HOPE. May the 4th be with you!!!