My life has been enormously eventful since my last post. There is a lot to catch you all up on. Many days have passed. I sat here staring at this screen trying to decide what to write, how to tell what I was going through, what I was feeling, thinking, experiencing. The words just weren’t there. It felt redundant and repetitive.
I thought…really Caren, who really reads this anyways? What is the purpose of writing and posting, and keeping this going. It is something I pondered for a long time. I mean here I am back from the brink of death, more than once even and what can I offer my family, my friends, those who follow these posts, those who may come here to see how things are going? I can pretend to be positive and progressive and optimistic…but the reality is – I have been depressed. Feeling overwhelmed. Grateful, yet in many ways disappointed. Yet, in other ways completely neutral perhaps even apathetic.
What was this numb feeling? This path that took me down a side road with various cul de sacs that made me feel like I was disappearing within myself. The reality that with improvements and increased abilities which are uplifting and exciting….there also comes the awareness that once I feel I get to the end of one dead end road I am forced to turn around and head back out to the main road of my life and face the realities of my limitations and seeming roadblocks that prevent me from moving on.
This. This here is where I find myself drawn back to. Writing, sharing, purging. Giving what I have learned to the Universe beyond me. Hoping I make a difference in some small way.
Each day is a reflection of improvement and as I look in the rearview mirror of my body, I see the rubble. I feel the dings and dents it has left on me. I have been rebuilt in a lot of ways. Though I have a few misses here and there and everywhere – I am also looking at the road ahead and where it can take me. I try to avoid those emotional cul de sacs that pull me off of my path in various ways.
So here I am. Facing the inevitable. Facing my own mortality with each spasm, bump and grind. Facing the future with uncertainty and grateful….ultimately….that I am here to continue this journey.
This is my life. My new normals. Yet at which point do they stop being “new normals” and just are who I have been becoming the last nearly 3 years. This is my life. My life is not based on imaginary twists and turns. My life is based on a True Story. My life…the ultimate Cul De Sac.