life

Today marks a milestone in the life of myself and my family. Today is the 11th-year survivor-versary of the wreck that, in part, changed the course of all of our lives.

While it remains factual that it was myself and our youngest son involved in the actual wreck itself all those years ago, the family as a whole would become and remain affected as a result of its aftermath – for years to come. The rehabilitation journey has not been for the faint of heart and continues…albeit in different ways now than when it all began.

There have been many things involved that have gotten me to this point in my life – which I guess I would call the “survivors plateau”. Many things that cause me to reflect a bit deeper each year at this time.

On the positive (effective) side, I could speak about the great care of many healthcare professionals; the unwavering support, love, struggles, and sacrifice of time and energy of my family; how clinging on to HOPE, my deep-seated faith, and a healthy dose of daily gratitude has helped us traverse this seemingly insurmountable experience. I could speak to many details, many therapies, many opportunities for growth, successes, and immense blessings that have come into our lives….with and without concentrated and unbridled effort and determination.

On the negative (noneffective) side, I could speak about the chronic physical and emotional pain that still riddles my body and our lives in various ways; I could speak of the continual setbacks and disappointment…and the deep and very personal losses that no one ever sees – that continue to wreak havoc at many levels – levels that force me into a daily field of emotional landmines that seek to obliterate all that I continue to accomplish and overcome. I could speak of the financial toll it has taken and continues to take from our family and my body;

However, what I want to focus on in this writing is not far from either of these things, but a valuable idiom that has been the consistent and steady foundation of all of these things over time.

What I want to write about today, is a lesson that we could all come to appreciate and give an open arms welcome to…..and that is the gift of the things that happen, come to us, appear, or work out at the last minute, sometimes in ways we never saw coming, sometimes as a result of seriously difficult and seemingly hopeless moments – a glimmer of light, a breath of air, right when we need it and often in unexpected ways. I want to write about the good dose of courage required to face a world without this relief, and the sheer awe created as it rises up to present us with a much-needed outcome in the 11^th hour of our stripped-out moments.

Some may be wondering what I mean when I reference this verbiage “the 11^th hour”. Let me take a moment to reflect on some various views of this, and how it can be used in various contexts…….

The phrase “at the 11th hour” is an idiomatic expression (cannot be understood according to its literal meaning) or allusion (subtle way to mention something familiar) that means at the last possible moment or just before a deadline. It suggests that something is happening or being done in the final moments before a crucial event or situation. (3). In a broader sense, “at the 11th hour” can refer to any situation where action or intervention takes place when time is running out or when it seems almost too late to achieve a desired outcome. It implies a sense of urgency and often conveys the idea that there was little time to spare or that the situation was in a critical state before the last-minute action was taken.(4)

The 11th hour means the latest possible time before it is too late. It is a phrase that means “at the last moment”. It is taken from the Bible passage in Matthew 20 verses 1 – 16 where Jesus taught the Parable of Workers in the Vineyard. The eleventh hour miracle is a miracle you get when it looks like time is running out on you. (1)

Perhaps the most celebrated “eleventh hour” was 11 a.m. on November 11, 1918, the “eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month” — “Armistice Day,” which brought an end to World War I.(2)

Note that the Roman time system referred to twelve ‘hours’ from sunrise to sunset (and twelve hours of the night from sunset to sunrise). So the eleventh hour was by definition the period just before the end (of the day). ~Tim Symington (ironically posted in 2014 – 11 years ago)

Ultimately, the phrase “in the 11^th hour” has multiple spiritual meanings as well. Being a person who clings to their personal faith as a way-shower…I share these things as specific examples:

Refusing to give up – this supports that idea of not giving up too soon, not giving up the effort, or the attempt, even if things are going, or appear to be going, badly. This is often the time when everything points to needing to give up, and then a solution or miracle comes.

God’s Timing – the idea that God will intervene at the last minute, even when things seem hopeless.

Claim Opportunities – this relies on the actual effort and choice to take the opportunities, or use the resources given to us

Delayed Blessings – this is reflected by the ripple affect of blessings coming to us in various forms long after the time we would have experienced them in a traditional time continuum.

Today, as I write this. I am reminded of how, in the 11^th hours of many days…. I have been lifted and plucked from the bowels of depression, exhaustion, and at times a concentrated form of aloofness, or lack of desire to go on.

As I write this, I am honored to share my progress with all of you as a testament of the fruition and reward of hard work, resilience, and sheer grit. I have been managing and expanding on the services I provide in my business; am in school still and working towards a Higher Education Degree to represent my new life. I am making great strides to return to a modicum level of activity and vocational satisfaction in the form of a successful reckoning and comeback tour. I continue each day to show up for my life. I volunteer, advocate, and continue to give back as I am able. Life is hard. Life is a bitch. Life is tough……but my goodness is it also rewarding.

Here I am in all my unique complexities in this 11^th year of my rehab journey and literal reinvention of my life.

Today is not without its challenges, failures, learned mistakes, or hard lessons that this process continues to shed light on. Today though, in the 11^th hour of this Anniversary, I also celebrate a life I have grown to be proud of. A life shed of toxic people from my inner circle. A life that keeps giving me unexpected and sometimes delayed blessings. A life that keeps giving me miracles with each breath I have been allowed to experience each and every day. A life that has given me a life partner/husband/friend who inspires, supports, and loves me with selfless representation. A life that continues to allow me to witness the love through others (specifically those close to me, but through humanity in its finest glory too). A life that injects an ever-present presence of deep dramatic chasms and last-minute solutions that continue to shape the tapestry in the valleys of my world.

Today I face a turning point, a choice; an opportunity in the 11^th hour of this day….. to define my next steps and wear my confidence like a cloak of joy, exalted, as I pay it forward to the next generation.

It takes a healthy dose of humor and unyielding humility to reach the 11^th hour. A place when all may, at times, seem lost; when the precipice, or teetering of survival and destruction (or light vs darkness), vie for the same spotlight and seeks to own the moment – whatever that moment may be.

It takes determination to reach the 11^th hour. A place that lays naked…. and bares all the beliefs, values, and character of the individual thrust into its path.

It takes realization to TRUST in the 11^th hour; to trust that life goes on and will continue to evolve with or without our decree, consent, or approval.

The 11^th hour carries the rescuing we all need at times and then sheds the stress, strife and hopelessness from our midst repeatedly; a place where all things come full circle.

11 years later….we remember the 11^th hour…..

Giving and taking in equal measure.

(1) (2) (3) (4)

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Human beings are creatures of time. We are preoccupied with what time it is, getting somewhere on time, keeping calendars, planners, setting timers, setting alarms, and wondering how much time is left so we can stretch our budget until our next payday, and even how much time is left in our current life. Maybe we are even too obsessed at varying moments throughout our life and as a society as a whole.

Some, like Albert Einstein would even say that time is an illusion…a distraction to keep us shackled between the past and the present. To many physicists, like Carlo Rovelli, who says “…our perceived reality is a sequence of events (past, present, and future), and we assign the concept of time to that sequence” – thus making time an illusion.

Other physicists would say that while we experience time as psychologically real, time is not fundamentally real.

The sensation of time seeming to perpetually “freeze” often arises as a byproduct of awe or amazement, that rare but overwhelming feeling of reverence we experience when witnessing something wonderful or miraculous.

Interestingly, one of the strangest side-effects of intense dread or fear, is the magnification and simultaneous slowing down of time. This is often put into visual form in movies when we see a specific moment or scene slowed to a very dramatic and obvious pace that seems surreal.

Additionally, a lot of us find ourselves losing track of time. Among all the things that can cause this losing track of time phenomena, there are some medical things to consider as possibilities. For example, how fast we are able to process our sensory input along with what we experience with our senses can change our perception of time. There are even a few studies that show that an auditory event can appear to last longer than one that we see visually. According to one study, we feel time passing faster when we enjoy things that are rewarding or pleasurable, which increases dopamine activity in the brain. Losing time can also indicate dyschronometria (loss of time due to dyslexia, dementia, or certain parts of the brain being damaged), ADHD, or mental health issues such as depression.

On the non-medical side of things, losing time is often experienced when we become unaware of time passing as a result of being fully absorbed in an activity or task, a consequence of procrastination, a sea of distractions, having poor time management skills, having busy schedules, following a monotonous routine, lacking motivation, or even caught up in a few moments of unplugged mindful bliss.

Another common way of tracking time is birthdays, the celebration we embrace that says we have managed to survive the trials and tribulations of another passing year. I recently celebrated my 50^th birthday, 5 decades, or a half of a century depending on whether it is laden with jokes or not.

Another way of marking milestones of time is by recognizing certain anniversaries. Some anniversaries are endured (usually those associated with heartache, sense of loss, or grief); and some celebrated (like a birth, graduation, marriage, accomplishment, or milestones).

This brings us full circle to what is spurring the creation of this Blog today. This year marks the 10 year Anniversary of the very thing that inspired this very blog – an auto accident on January 4, 2014. I have posted a blog every year on or around this Anniversary, with the exception of last year (the 9^th year). I was prepared to write one and then as each day passed it became something I felt I had to forego as the words I envisioned putting here seemed too far out of reach. This year, I genuinely wanted to post this on the 4^th yet as the 4^th got closer and closer I started to feel some kind of absolute obligation to acknowledge how far I have come. 10 years, after all, is a hell of a milestone.

I kept sitting with the words, thoughts, experiences, and memories, or lack thereof, swarming in my head of the last 10 years of this recovery and rehabilitation journey; a journey where I have inherently made, and continue to make, valiant steps at re-inventing myself. I am slowly blossoming into the me I have been becoming, and it is ironic how things have come full circle, and I am left with a stark realization that I have been gifted with time. This whole process has been extensively mind boggling, emotionally mercurial, and fills me with pause.

Let’s make a full stop to digest that for a moment.

There are many events, lessons, personal developments, professional developments, and a sordid amount of moments that have taken place. The list would be impossible to delineate or detail in a simple blog post. Yet, all have been consequential to my growth as a human being with all the cloaks of comfort and opportunity I wear (as a mom, wife, sister, friend, survivor, student, advocate, business owner, etc).

I will take this opportunity though to turn the hourglass into a verbal synopsis. Pain still wreaks havoc with me, often very unpredictably, though is more managed. Mobility is still a challenge in lots of ways, and in some ways I see, declining, yet I am still mobile, breathing, functioning. This is worth celebrating. Finances are an ongoing real struggle, yet we still find a way to make things possible. I am sure this is due to a lot of divine intervention and is truly a miraculous feat in and of itself. I am currently safe in a home with my family, and in a Country with amenities we would not be afforded in other Countries, and for this I am deeply grateful. My memory and emotions are all over over the place – each like a new discovery that I continue to protect and covet. My health is a rubik’s cube that occasionally lines up, and other times is a series of rotating puzzle pieces. However, I am still able to think, research, learn, and evolve.

I have a deep appreciation for the linked together moments that build on each other. I have been enjoying the last 3 years as a new grandmother. We now have 3 grandchildren. We have lived to see only 2 boys left at home, our youngest start High School, and I myself have even returned to school to further my own education. I have met many professional goals (albeit much slower than I originally envisioned), and continue to move forward with this venture. We have all been blessed with 9 more years of time with my mom (who nearly died, went on and came off a vent in 2015). Indeed, there are many things to be grateful for.

My journey has afforded me the opportunity to network, meet, and advocate with lots of providers, organizations, individuals, and groups that I may not have had the opportunity to know without the time that I have been given.

This is what guides me and propels me in a forward thinking fashion. Seeing the precious process of experiences, creating new memories, and choosing to navigate all things given – whether effective or ineffective in my life.

As time passes, and I continue to reminisce about the last 10 years, and what the next 10 years might hold, I continue to be wrapped in the warmth of HOPE, faith, and an ever present growing awareness of my own mortality.

Until then….we celebrate! We celebrate being 50 years young. We celebrate only being halfway to reaching a century. We celebrate not only surviving, but thriving! We celebrate those moments that build into additional moments, which build into – despite any disabilities, hurdles, struggles, or setbacks – a life worth living.

~Caren Robinson, January 2023

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